Shaken, not Stirred: A Marvel Vs Capcom Story
by Shoejuggler
Summary: One by one, the worlds of Capcom are converging on the Marvel universe; bringing not only a deadly cast of heroes and villains but a gauntlet catastrophic disasters across the planet. Now it falls to the legends of each world to join together, and keep the universe from falling apart long enough to find the cause of it all. After all, it was never about the fate of just two worlds.
1. The Abduction of Martin Li

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* * *

 _ **May 22nd, 5:30 P.M. EST**_

 _ **Above New York City, New York**_

"How much do we have left, Friday?" Tony Stark asked his AI assistant

His crimson-gold Ironman power armor had been tearing apart the New York skyline for a while now; in hot pursuit of his targets: two young women sporting similar navy-blue outfits, caps, and strange red gauntlets. The unconscious body of Martin Li, NYC's renowned philanthropist, bounced limply over the shoulder of one the girls as she and her partner sprinted across rooftops to ditch him. Tony thought it fortunate that Li had passed out. He couldn't imagine the Chinese millionaire could stay being carried 400 feet in the air.

"Vermillion Dry-cleaning will close in approximately 40 minutes."

Tony started plotting how much time stood between him, Li, and his freshened tuxedo. He couldn't risk using his suit's weapons without possibly hurting Li or sending him plummeting to his death. Without them, the chase would go from lasting about three minutes to approximately 10-to-15; possibly longer. Especially considering that somehow, these girls were managing to outpace his own rocket propulsion suit with no apparent aid. Tony silently hoped they didn't secretly have superpowers. That would take up another 10 minutes he couldn't afford to waste.

"So out of curiosity, how long will they stay open for an Avenger?" Said Tony.

"40 minutes," Friday answered immediately

"How long for Tony Stark?" He asked while his mind calculated a change of tactics. Rather than continue a fruitless chase, Tony plotted the trajectory of the criminals and estimated the general path they would take.

"40 minutes."

"For my birthday?" With the path set, all Tony had to do was follow a yellow arrow through a shortcut that would allow him to pass and intercept the girls.

It took Friday only a few seconds longer to answer his question. "They will have someone deliver your tuxedo with a themed greeting card for a 75% premium."

"75%?" Tony expelled with heinous disgust. "Tell them to get rid of the card."

"The delivery will cost significantly more if you choose to remove the card from the order."

"How the hell does that make any…" Even though Tony's fingers couldn't breach his faceplate, he still found himself rubbing his temples. "You know what? Never mind. That's just what I needed to motivate myself."

In truth, Tony didn't really have to have this suit for his party. He had a closet full of nicer, much more expensive tuxedos he could've worn. Though none of them had been given to him by a particularly influential foreign executive for his last birthday. Specifically, one he was currently negotiating a very important trade deal with. Tony might've hated how abrasive its fabric felt against his skin, but it very well could hold the future of Stark Industries in its pockets.

Though as important as the tuxedo was, it was far more imperative for Tony to save Martin Li; seeing as he was high up on the guest list for his party. Though Tony didn't know the man personally, he was very familiar with his ceaseless acts of charity. Rising from an illegal Chinese immigrant to one of New York's richest – after himself of course – Martin Li dedicated his life and fortune toward aiding the downtrodden. Going out of his way to save him might very well have cost him the tuxedo, but he was damned if he was going to be blamed for letting bad guys run off with the closest thing New York had to its own Mother Teresa.

Almost immediately after Tony landed directly in their path, the girls made a swift pivot, skidding a bit on the cement surface before fleeing westward towards another building.

"Yeah, we're not playing this game anymore," Tony muttered as he raised an open gauntlet in the abductor's direction. In the top-right corner of his HUD, a notification read: ' ** _MAGNETIC FIELD GENERATOR ACTIVATED_** '

The duo was about to set foot on the adjacent building as the generator in Tony's arm whirred to life. Surprised yelps escaped both abductors as Tony's magnetic pull seized their oversized, red, metal gauntlets, holding them struggling in the air between the two buildings. With a few subtle twitches of his hand, the criminals were wrenched back to the roof with the forcefulness of an aggravated parent reigning in their bratty children. Holding both the outlaws inches off the ground, Tony moved his hand around in a small circle to magnetically turn his captives around and get a proper glimpse at their faces.

The girl with Martin Li slung over her shoulder dressed in blue ninja garb with black hair, a small blue cap, and a yellow scarf. On her back hung a sword almost as sharp as her own eyes. Her partner wore a blue skirt and leggings, a big yellow bow on the chest of her blue long-sleeved belly shirt, and enormous pink curls practically the size of Tony's arm. As strange as the couple appeared, Tony had seen far stranger supervillain costumes.

Save for the grunts they made try to escape the magnetic hold over them, the girls were pretty much silent; mincing no words.

"Alright ladies, it's been fun, but Marty has a party to get to. My party actually," Tony announced sternly as he drew closer to his floating captives. "But tell you what: since you're both first-time offenders, I'll just let you off with a warning-"

For one vital fraction of a second, Tony's eyes drifted over to the pink-haired girl's arm, which somehow found the strength to fight her magnetic bonds to reach for something in her pocket.

"Seriously?," Said Tony as he increased the magnitude of the magnetic field, effectively pulling the girl's hand out of her pocket and over her head. "How about we use our words instead of our guns, alright? Suit's bulletproof by the way. You'd need a lot more than that to get through…"

Tony's remaining jeers were crammed back down his throat as the pink haired girl exploded in his face. Even the iron Avenger's invincible armor staggered backward a couple feet before the billowing surge of wild violet energy; pouring out of the girl's body like an inferno clothed in oiled rags. As Tony shielded his eyes from the bizarre display of force, a bold red notification flashed urgently over his entire HUD, warning of a sudden spike of unknown radiation. He was absolutely confident that his suit would prevent the abnormal emissions from harming him, yet for some reason, he couldn't help but feel a slight unexplainable sense of dread.

Tony uncovered his eyes as the initial burst died down, hoping the kidnapper hadn't blasted her way to freedom. Fortunately, he found both culprits still floating helplessly in the clutches of his magnetic field, though the pink-haired girl was still emanating thick clouds of irregular radiation. Tony almost missed it with his first glance, but with a second, he spied the pink-haired girl's hand going for her pocket again; seemingly unaffected by the enhanced field.

"The hell?" Tony muttered under his breath as he further increased the field's magnitude. That field should've been strong enough to keep Captain America from moving…not that he would ever think of using it on him of course. But still, she shouldn't have been able to move that easily.

The pink-haired girl uttered a labored grunt as the empowered magnetic field stilled her arm once more; though not before her fingers had pinched their tips around a corner of the weapon in her pocket. With her target fairly secured, she allowed the field to pull her arm out of her skirt to reveal a medium-sized, white and green object with a bell-shaped muzzle; much too big to have fit in the girl's pocket. It looked like it could've actually been a toy but under closer inspection…

"Wait," Tony said quizzically as he watched the girl brought the object to her mouth. "Is that a mega*****!"

Tony knew he had just said "phone", but his words were run down by a sonic freight train on its way to grind him under its wheels. Not even his suit's advanced sound-dampeners could protect him from the audible daggers twisting, boring through his ear canal to carve his brain. Tony could feel himself screaming hard enough to grate his own throat, but the sound, the pain of it all was so intense, he couldn't hear it. He couldn't settle his mind enough to activate the suit's rockets as he flew off the building rooftop, and plummeted down what had to be sixteen stories. He couldn't even hear the panicked shouts of fleeing bystanders or feel the shock rattling his body as his back punched an SUV-sized crater into the sidewalk.

Tony laid still in his small pit, waiting for the ringing in his ears to subside. The suit had protected him from most of the physical damage of his harrowing fall, but he was still nursing a hideous migraine from that strange sonic attack. Not to mention the egotistical damage his was taking from the crowd gathering to take pictures of his defeated form.

Tony audibly groaned as he scraped together enough strength to pick himself out of his crater and onto his feet. He slowly spun himself around to address the gathered crowd. "People, for your safety, I'm going to have to ask that you take several really big steps back in the next three seconds."

Two huge plumes of dirt and cement fled Tony's crater as the jets in his boots roared back to life. Combined with the scream of his engines, the entire crowd was startled into retreating backwards seconds before the Ironman shot into the sky like a runaway missile. Within a breath of leaving the ground, he was floating over the building rooftop; where he found no trace of either the abductors or Martin Li. He didn't really expect them to be dumb enough to wait around, but he had sort of hoped they were.

"Great," Tony grumbled as he thought about how much time he was wasting. "Now how am I going to find them?"

"I could scan to see if I can pick up any emissions of that radiation they were producing," Said Friday

"How long would that take?"

"Approximately 5 to 10 minutes; which may be optimal as we only have 31minutes before Vermillion Dry Cleaning closes."

An audible exhale escaped Tony's mouth as he shot his suit into the concrete-crusted heart of Manhattan. Small yellow reticles danced across his HUD, combing the flowing cityscape for the faintest hint of pink curls. The sensation of air harmlessly buffeting his suit as he soared through the New York skyline did wonders for his mental fatigue. Though his mind was still burdened with finding a solution to the Martin Li problem.

"Then how about we try something a little faster and a little lower tech?" Said Tony. "Put a word out to every active Avenger. See if we can't get a few extra eyes on the city."

"All active Avengers members are currently unavailable," Said Friday.

Tony's brow almost cramped from furrowing so quickly. "Define 'unavailable'."

"A majority have been dispatched to handle a mass prison break at Conway Penitentiary in addition to abnormal structural damage to the surrounding area-"

"Okay, 'majority' doesn't mean 'everyone', Friday. Who's left? Right now, I'm not feeling picky".

"All remaining members have joined Captain America to investigate the anomalous energy reading recorded last night in Siberia. They left eight hours ago."

"Couldn't wait until the party was over, could he?" Tony grumbled.

"Captain Rogers sent a message expressing regret over not being able to attend, but he felt the Avengers could not ignore the possible threat the field could pose to anyone caught in its range," Said Friday. "He also said that he got you a gift to make up for missing the party."

"Is it another thing of cards with baseball players who've been dead longer than I've been alive?" Tony guessed snidely.

"No; he made sure he took Wolverine with him."

"...okay," Tony said as he nodded in approval. "That saves this birthday party from ending like the last one but doesn't really do much for me right now. If we can't count on the Avengers, find someone else who'll help. The Fantastic Four, the X-men, the...did Luke ever start his 'Heroes for Hire' business up again?"

"No,"

"Then try calling everyone else you can think of," Said Tony. "Right now, I don't care who. Just tell them to get down here as quickly as-"

"Unidentified object incoming!" Friday warned.

"Wha-"

It landed on Tony's back before he could think about reacting. The suit's altitude dipped a bit from the impact but managed to stay airborne despite getting rocked side to side as something tried to balance on his back. No, not something; someone. Someone was trying to ride Tony's armor like a surfboard. But who would…

"This is it, true believers! Not a hoax! Not a dream! Not even a hacky fake-out cover! The Merc with a Mouth and ol' Shellhead join forces to bring you a heapin' load of heart-stoppin' eye-poppin' action in the mighty Marv-WOAH!"

He flew off the armor the moment Tony throttled power to his jets. The Ironman almost rejected the idea of saving the pest, but his conscience forced him to seize his wrist. A brief glance was all he needed to tell it was him. The red and black costume, the obnoxious yellow eyes peeking out of his mask, the mysteriously irritating flip of extra fabric hanging off his head, the overcompensation of guns, blades, and pouches lining his person, the smell that somehow breached the suit's air filters. He'd suspected as much from the voice alone, but now he was certain: it was Deadpool.

"Hey, can we keep the horseplay to a minimum?" Said the degenerate mercenary. "I have a bladder that's about to go nuclear."


	2. Any Crash You Can Walk Away From

_**May 29th, 8:30 P.M. OMST**_

 _ **Somewhere deep within the Siberian mountains**_

'Why the hell didn't I just go to the damn party?' Logan thought as he blew bloodied frost out his nostrils.

The Adamantium alloy bonded to his skeleton might have saved his body from breaking in the fall, but it felt like he landed on a bag full of scrap metal. Sore and bruised as hell, Logan slowly began to pick himself out of the pit he made in the frost when he dropped 39,000 feet out of the air. The sheer cold stung Logan's sinuses, lashed at his burn wounds, and devoured every last bit of warmth hiding in his body.

Logan already knew the answer to his own question: He was here because Steve Rogers asked him to be. Or more accurately, he was here because blowing off Captain America to drink thrice his weight in fancy liquor at Stark's birthday bash didn't sit with him. Next thing Logan knew, he was tagging along with the Avengers; crammed inside a Quinjet bound for the Siberian wilds to take care of...something. An energy surge? That was the most he could recall from Reed Richard's briefing before thousand-dollar words started falling out his mouth. Logan supposed it was possible that the rest of the details might have been rattled loose from his skull when the Quinjet was blown out of the sky. He didn't know who it was that shot him down. Not that it mattered; they wouldn't be around for much longer. He was going to make sure of it.

The minute Logan started to pick himself onto his feet, he nearly doubled over as the smoke and fumes from the flaming Quinjet wreckage threw him into a harsh coughing fit that racked his throat. Fighting to breath, he peeled the yellow and black horned cowl off his head and used it to cover his nose and mouth. His ears felt like they were going to freeze off any minute, but he'd rather chill to death than suffocating.

Logan moved up the covered hill; away from the smoke and into a maze of fir trees littering the mountain slope ahead. He had to be completely clear of the choking fumes spewing out of the jet before he could sniff out any survivors. It was much too dark to track them otherwise. The Quinjet wreak was nasty, but if he could walk away from it, there were bound to be other Avengers that managed as well. Cap was a given. He'd spent most his life falling out of the air; one more spill wouldn't kill him. Richards was another likely survivor. He probably turned himself into a parachute and bailed before the cabin caught fire.

Logan wasn't exactly sure if Natasha Romanov made it out in one piece. The last he saw of the Black Widow was in the pilot's seat of the Quinjet, fighting to tear the doomed aircraft from its nosedive. If it were anyone else, there'd be a slim chance of survival. Of course, a lot of people who'd counted Natasha among the dead in the past ended up as ghosts themselves; so Logan thought it best to carry on as if she were alive. Clint Barton on the other hand...well, maybe Wanda was nice enough to magic him to safety before that stupid purple parka of his caught fire. If not, well, at least he could kick his feet up on the ride back to New York.

With each step Logan took further into the woods, more and more snow tumbled into his boots; soaking his socks and chilling his feet. Between the night and the frost, the temperature had to be close to zero degrees; possibly lower. Logan ignored it; his mind was concentrated on other things. Not just his team, or their attacker, but also the noticeable quiet that had fallen over the forest. Other than the distant crackle of the burning Quinjet, the woods were unnervingly silent. He didn't know a lot about Russian wildlife, but he figured there'd have to be something making noise. Did it have anything to do with that anomaly Richards was going on about? Logan hoped not. The last thing he wanted to fight right now was a bear wacked out on power cosmic.

After a few more feet, Logan removed his cowl from his face and treated his nose to a long taste of the air. He grunted as the chill cut at his nostrils again, but at least now he knew he could smell clearly again. Pulling his cowl back over his head, the Wolverine began sniffing his surroundings. He shifted through the aromas of the pines, mountain air, fresh snow, and weeks-old bear droppings searching for something familiar. Cap's musty uniform, Clint's cologne, or – with any luck – the perspiration of the bastard who shot down the Quinjet. It wasn't long before his nose picked up a faint scent wafting through the air. It didn't smell like any of the Avengers, but there was something about it that was oddly familiar. Almost like...

Logan's train of thought skidded to a halt as he heard something crashing through the trees overhead. Instinct jerked his body clear of a human cannonball barreling through the foliage and inches away from his shoulder. The stranger's form bounced off a nearby tree like a pinball and cut a deep trail through several feet of snow before it skidded to a halt at the Wolverine's feet.

Looking down the unconscious body, Logan caught a whiff of the body odor coming off the muscular Japanese man His black hair, his red headband, his karate gi, all saturated with perspiration collected over days...no, weeks. While Logan didn't know who the man was, he did recognize the scent coming off his exposed, heavily calloused feet. Brazil, India, China, America; the man's feet were stained with dirt from each country and many more. Was this guy some sort of traveling martial artist?

Logan kneeled close enough to examine the mystery man's body, but far enough to jump away if he woke up and started throwing punches. The karate man's clothes had been torn halfway to shreds, with the sleeves of his gi torn off. Claws had ripped through the back of the man's shirt, and into his flesh. Not deep enough to make him bleed out, but bad enough to take the joy out of moving around. Obviously, he'd been fighting something; and unless the black belt tied to the stranger's waist was just for show, the assailant - or assailants - were formidable. Under closer inspection, Logan noticed how long the scratches were; stretching diagonally across the man's back. The size of the marks was too thick and too far apart to have been done by a wolf, a big cat, or even a bear; so what else could've-

The gut-wrenching smell of blood and bile gave the creature away before Logan even heard its footfalls in the snow. The smell, the exact same he'd noticed just before John Doe showed up. How could have been so absent-minded? Three adamantium claws sprang from his knuckle a second too late as a hairy backhand struck his side, torpedoed him through a tree, and drove him backward into a snowbank.

Dazed, in agony, but still conscious, Logan pulled himself out of the snow to face his attacker. Moonlight peeled shadow off the beast's body as it trudged closer to him, revealing sharp massive claws jutting from large feet and hands, a thick long tail, and silvery white hair that covered every inch of its eight-foot height. Even from where he stood, Logan could smell the rancid odor of blood, bile, and gristle wafting from the gaping cavern of ivory blades it had for a mouth. In one of its muscular arms, the beast carried the tree he had smashed through, now repurposed as a weapon.

Logan already knew what it was, but the monstrosity still sought to remind him as it lifted the tree carcass over its silence smothering the forest torn asunder as it howled its name for the heavens to hear.

" _ **WEN-DI-GO**_ ,"

"Yeah, yeah I know what you are, Bub.," Logan growled through gritted teeth. "Sorry to disappoint ya, but you ain't the first Wendigo I've tussled with. And I reckon, you ain't gonna be the last one to bother me either."

Another set of adamantium claws popped out of Logan's other arm as he walked out of the snow bank.

"...but you just made sure I'm going to be the last thing you'll ever see." He said right before he charged towards the Wendigo.


	3. Pool's Errand

"Go home," Growled Tony.

"Look I know this might be hard for you one-percenters to understand, but us peasants don't live in magic flying sky castles," Said Deadpool "So either you'll have to waste time trying to find somewhere to drop little ol' me, or we can hurry up and get this team-up going."

"Hey remind me; you're supposed to have a pretty good healing factor, right?"

"For just about everything but pride; yep, just about,"

"So say I drop you from this height," Tony said as he slowly loosened his grip on Deadpool's wrist. "You'd survive, right?"

"After like 10 excruciating minutes of horrible agony, yeah. But I don't think that lady helping that old dude - I'm gonna say that's her dad - out of that car is going to be too happy when 210 pounds of literal cancer comes raining down on her."

"You really think I'm dumb enough to-"

"He's not lying Tony," Friday said as she brought a feed up on Tony's HUD; courtesy of one of his company's satellites. The window enhanced its view of the city until it landed on a red-haired woman lovingly assisting an elderly man out of a beat-up '92 Caravan.

"Oookay," Tony said, slightly baffled by Deadpool's perceptual accuracy this high in the air. Then he carried the merc a few feet to his right. "Then I'll just drop you off right here."

"You mean right on top of that girl scout troop selling cookies for charity?" Said Deadpool. "That's not a bad idea. I actually really need to restock on Thin Mints."

Friday brought up another live streaming video featuring several little girls dressed in girl scout uniforms happily selling cute macaroni paintings and boxes of cookies on a small table outside a market. Next to the table was a cardboard thermometer that kept track of the girl's proceeds to Saint Joan's Orphanage. Tony shooed the feed away as he moved another couple feet.

"I'm dropping you here," Said Tony. "And there's nothing you can say that'll-"

"Carolers? At this time of year? Well, I guess it's never too early to get into the holiday spirit."

"Okay, he has to be lying about that one..."

Friday started to bring up another feed, but Tony quickly dismissed it. Then he lifted Deadpool so he could stare him through the eyeholes of his tacky mask

"Let me make myself clear: I might need help right now, but I don't need it from a psychotic, irritating, amoral, lowlife who'd step on a puppy if it meant getting paid for it."

Deadpool's eyes narrowed in confusion. He turned his head to his left and his right as if he was searching for something. After scratching his head, indentations of befuddlement appeared through his mask as he looked at Tony and pointed to himself.

"Yes, you!" Tony fumed.

"Wait, you think that…oooooh, I get it now." A goofy smile formed under Deadpool's mask. "You got me confused with the old Deadpool. Naw dog; you're dealing with an All-New, All- Different Deadpool. I got a new moral compass, and a new daughter, and new responsibility. And a new wife-"

"And I don't care," Said Tony.

"Oh wow, big surprise: Tony 'Commitment makes me poop my pants in fear' Stark doesn't want to hear about my marriage," Deadpool remarked. "Look, I didn't hop off that roof because I felt sorry seeing you get your ass handed to you by a couple of rejects from the Ms. G.I. Joe Beauty Pageant. I was-"

"I found them!" Friday interrupted. "Stark Satellites place them several miles away traveling east."

"Dammit," Tony didn't have time for this. He tightened his grip on Wade Wilson's wrist, revitalized the rockets in his boots, and resumed chasing his targets.

"Alright! Took you long enough," Deadpool screamed as g-force tried brutally to wrestle him out of Iron Man's hand. He flapped back and forth against the armor like a flag in the wind. "So what's the plan, Shellhead?"

"Tuck and roll," Tony said bluntly.

"Huh?"

With a quick trajectory calculation, and as much strength as he could pump into the suit's arm without diverting power from his jets, Tony hurled Deadpool's miserable carcass through the air like a stone across a lake.

"SEE YOU IN A FEW PARAGRAAAAAAAAPHSSSSS," The Scarlet Merc screeched as he flew headlong into a billboard. He would survive the impact, unfortunately, but he'd also be out of the way; and that's what was important.

Now Tony could focus on the task at hand through. He shot through Manhattan with gritted teeth and a tightened face. As both women entered his sights, he mentally grappled with the urge to shoot them each out of the sky and end the chase once and for all. He knew he couldn't. He was well aware that doing so would put Martin Li's life at risk. But the whole misadventure had gone on for long enough, and the encounter with Deadpool definitely didn't do his dwindling patience any favors. Fortunately, his common sense triumphed over his irritation, freeing his mind to ponder a solution that would end the pursuit.

"Friday, please tell me you found someone who can help out." Said Tony. "Preferably someone who's mute."

"Still searching," Said Friday. "So far, there are no inactive Avengers members currently available to assist."

"Okay, in that case, run a search for-"

"TAGGING IN!"

Instantly, the girls and Li disappeared behind a red and black blur descending from the later, a groaning Tony heard something crash in a nearby alleyway.

"Please tell me that wasn't…"

A new window opened up on Tony's HUD to playback slow-motion footage of Deadpool dropping out of the air, tearing Martin Li out of the kidnapper's arms, diving into the alley, then sliding across the pavement on his face.

"How did he even get here so fast?" Tony wondered aloud. "Actually, on second thought, I don't care. Let's just get Li out of there before he gets hurt."

Tony hummed a few bitter bars of the Happy Birthday song to himself as he descended the suit into the dark dank alleyway. Below, Deadpool had both of his swords drawn as he stared down at the kidnappers, both poised in fighting stances with their backs' to the alley's dead end. But what really concerned Tony was the fact that he didn't see Martin Li slung over the ninja girl's shoulders. That should've been a relief, but with Deadpool involved, there was still an extremely good chance the philanthropist's life was still in danger.

"Ah, nice of you to drop in, shellhead," The Mad Merc said as Ironman landed next to him.

"Stop calling me that," Said Tony.

"It was a stroke of genius hurling me into that billboard," Deadpool continued. "All it took was a bit of creative ingenuity to turn that cardboard supermodel's drinking arm into a catapult of dynamic justice. Great teamwork, eh, old chum."

"Don't call me that either," Tony said. "Where's Li?"

"Don't worry your multi-million dollar egghead about it. He's fine,"

"Define 'fine',"

"He's. Fine." Deadpool repeated slowly for emphasis. "Oh, wait...actually, It'd probably be a good idea to get this thing over with ASAP."

Tony could feel his brow cramping from his anger. "Wilson, I swear: if anything happens to Martin Li, I'm going to-"

"Hold on, shut up for a second," Deadpool sheathed a single sword to silence Tony with an open palm.

"-you're telling me to shut up?"

"Shhh Shhh Shhh Shhhhhhh,"

Deadpool pressed a single finger against the nose of Tony's helmet. The Iron Man responded by seizing and breaking it in his hand. A raspy squeak of pain escaped Deadpool before he turned to address the kidnappers.

"Okay, here's the deal:" Deadpool said through a pained groan. With his uninjured hand, he sheathed his other sword, grabbed his finger, and set it back into place with several unsettling snaps, cracks, and pops. "I've got this huge cosplay contest to win next week and a bunch of ten-ton nerd turds who need to be put in their place. So, I promise to shoot and stab you guys slightly less than I was planning to if -IF- you tell me the name of your tailor, their business hours, and if they can whip me up something by this weekend,"

"Deadpool, stop talking," Tony barked, moments away from just blasting the Merc in the face with his uni-beam.

"You're gonna stand there and lie to me that these aren't the best Satsuki and Enero costumes you've ever seen? They're way better than my M. Bison suit. Which...actually isn't saying much considering that it's just a Captain Hook costume I just peeled off some dude on Main Street."

"Shut. Up,"

"How can you expect me to shut up about these costumes? The props are perfect! The suits are practically 1:1!" Deadpool drew nearer to the kidnappers until he was close enough to pinch and pull at the shoulder of the sword girl's jumpsuit.

"Oh my god...the stitching! Stark, you gotta get over here and feel this mat-"

By the time Deadpool noticed the girl seize his hand, it was too late. The next second climaxed with three of Deadpool's fingers dropping off his hand with a sprinkle of his own blood. The merc wordlessly watched his own digits hit the ground. There was no screaming. Just an icy glare shared between Deadpool and the kidnapper.

"Alright, fine, be that way! I'll just have to drag your amazingly dressed carcass to every costume store in the city," Deadpool pouted as he reached behind his back to draw both his swords. "Prepare your asses for the bloodiest show on earth: Katana-rama! In glorious double-vision!"

With a wild cry lifted from a cheesy old ninja movie, Deadpool attacked the mystery swordswoman with both his blades. Not only did she block the attack with her own weapon, she also managed to knock one of Deadpool's katanas out of his mutilated hand; sending it clattering on the filthy alley ground.

"Aw geez," Deadpool moaned. "I really should've put more than zero thought into doing tha-GOAH!"

The sword girl continued her brutal assault with a knee to Deadpool's gut. The merc doubled over in pain. The girl raised her blade over his bowing form, preparing to decapitate him. Unfortunately, Deadpool was quick enough to raise his sword over his head to deflect the blow. He countered with a spray of blood from his mutilated hand across her face; startling the abductor, and giving himself time to recover.

The fight continued on from there, but Tony had since stopped paying attention. His focus and a primed gauntlet turned to the swordswoman's pink-haired partner.

"Where's Marty?" He growled.

"I don't know. Your friend hid him before we confronted him," Said the pink-haired girl.

"Right..." Said Tony, embarrassed to realize he should've known that already. "Okay, well since you're suddenly in the mood to talk, what's your name?"

"Enero," The girl answered flatly.

"Okay 'Enero'," Tony said, adding a bit of skepticism as he said the girl's name. It wasn't as bad as 'Living Laser', but she still could've done better than the Spanish word for January. Maybe it was a codename. "You mind telling me why you and your friend decided to kidnap a defenseless man like Marty out of his own home?"

"Our mission doesn't concern you," Said Enero.

"Hate to break it to you, lady; but it actually does," Said Tony "See, Marty is a guest at my birthday party. That means his safety is my responsibility. So unless you and your friend want to hop on the next boat headed for the Raft, you aren't getting out of this alley anytime soon."

"That won't be a problem,"

"Yeah? How do you figure that?"

A purple wildfire burst from Enero's pores, shrouding her in a flickering cloak made of her cryptic radiation. The purple flames melted the cold expression on her face, and left only indignation and gritted teeth.

"...that's how you figure," Tony groaned. He knew he shouldn't be afraid of a little light show, but something about the energy coming off Enero filled him with a weird sense of dread. The feeling was magnified with each gradual step she took towards him.

A single bright glowing shot screamed out of his gauntlet, and through the length of the alley on its way towards its target. It was inches away from brilliantly exploding in Enero's face, only for her to tilt her head out of the way just as quickly. The shot blew up the back alley behind her, and her advance remained unimpeded.

"That...was actually impressive," Tony mused as he primed another repulsor blast. "How're you doing that?"

"It's called Psycho Power," Deadpool shouted from behind before grunting in pain. Tony didn't care enough to see why. He was busy pulling up his targeting computer to perfect his next attack.

"Let's see you try that again," The Ironman said, raising both his gauntlets.

A storm of repulsor bolts showered the alley, flying towards Enero. Though even with computer-aided precision, every blast failed to hit her; only her purple afterimages. Even stranger was the fact that she didn't move or pivot to evade the attacks as much as she just appeared wherever they weren't. She was teleporting obviously, but she was doing it faster than anyone he'd ever seen; even Nightcrawler.

Tony was allowed to empty three more shots before there were only inches between him and Enero. He only felt her vice grip wrap around his open palm for a half second before his back smash against the alley's back wall. Not even his suit's shock dampeners could protect him from the powerful kinetic shockwave that strummed his bones like violin strings; coursing a scream of pain up and down his spine. He could hear the sound of bricks crunching and crumbling behind him as his back left a deep impression in the alley wall...or at least, he hoped that sound was the wall shattering. Not him.

There was no time to make sure; Enero was storming down the alley, strewing discarded junked paper and broken bottles all about on her way to finish Tony off. Tony's first instinct was to fly away, but he ignored it, realizing if he jetted out of the deep depression in the wall, his attacker would seize his boot, and smash him into the ground. Repulsors were just as ineffective, especially with her moving so quickly. That left only one other option.

As Tony opened his palm one last time, there was only a second between him and Enero. She reared back her flame-drenched fist, aiming to wreck the arc reactor embedded in his chest. Her clenched hand flew like a rocket towards Tony's breast, then suddenly stopped shy of reaching its target. Rage gave way to confusion as Enero tried in vain to budge her frozen fist with her trembling arm. Then she tried her other gauntlet-clad hand, only to find it had also been ensnared in the magnetic field projected by Tony's own glove.

With a twitch of his pointer finger, Enero was off the ground and dangling in the air by her wrists. Wisps of her purple aura flickered violently as she kicked and trashed against his invisible trap.

"Alright, time to wrap this up," Tony said casually as he pulled himself out of the wall; arm still outstretched.. "It's been fun, but I've got places...people...you know how it is."

Enero struggled to teleport away from the repulsor blast fired from Tony's gauntlet, but the magnetic field held her in place as the attack struck her; only yielding to allow her to fly headfirst into Satsuki. The redhead knocked her partner off her feet, unconsciously saving her from a lethal slash from Deadpool's katana, and knocking her down to the ground. Without a victim to carve, the power behind Deadpool's swords only served to drive the blades into the solid brick wall on his left.

"Hey, maybe a little heads up next time?" Deadpool griped. "I still owe four payments to the infomercial guy who sold me-"

"Stop talking," Tony said, frank as possible. "Get. Li. Now."

"Fine, just let me get my pig stickers out of-"

"NOW!"

"Alright, alright...gaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwd,"

As Deadpool trudged towards his hiding spot for Li, Tony's eyes glanced at the clock on his HUD. There were only fifteen minutes left before the Vermillion's closed. He'd make it, but it'd mean carrying several passengers with him. Along with detours to the Li's home and the Raft.

"Friday, find me the quickest route from here to Vermillion's," Said Tony. "And when I mean 'quick', I mean at a speed just shy of snapping someone's neck."

"Tony, I can't advise that you try to…"

"'Try to' what? What's wrong?"

"Something just popped up on my sensors. It's radiation…the same as Enero's, but twice as big."

Tony set his worn body against the alley wall as another in a long line of loud weary sighs escaped him. He didn't care how filthy it was; he just needed a short breather before whatever was going to happen next. A short while to wonder why all this crap had to happen on his birthday.

"Where?" He asked tiredly.

"Behind you."

Tony didn't even have the energy to feel alarmed by Friday's warning. Nor did he have the optimism to not have already guessed where the radiation was coming from. Irritation and frustration were all that accompanied him as he beheld an inky-black billowing portal mushrooming out of the back-alley wall.

The black hole made an unnerving howl as it inhaled trash and trash can alike with an unnervingly powerful vacuum. It even managed to pull Tony a couple inches towards its shadowy maw before the super-genius fired up his suit's thrusters, and braced himself against its gravity.

"This birthday just keeps getting better and better," Tony muttered.

"I'm also detecting a life sign, and faint traces of Darkforce energy emanating from inside," said Friday.

"Better. And. Better," Tony growled.

The Darkforce was a very dangerous extra-dimensional energy. Whatever it was doing here, whoever was controlling it, Tony didn't want to stick around to find out. Especially with Martin Li's life on the line.

"Friday, analyze that thing. See if we can't find some way to destabilize it," Said Tony. "Deadpool, you better have Li ready to go. We're gonna have to-"

*BLAM*

Tony closed his eyes and dropped his discontented head into his chest. He fought the urge to turn off his gauntlet thrusters to cradle his distraught face as he repeated: "I did not just hear a gunshot. I did NOT just hear a gunshot," inside several angry shaking breaths.

*BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM*

Distress ripped Tony's back open and quickly jerked his body around to confront whatever atrocity Deadpool committed. To his relief, he didn't find Deadpool shooting Martin Li to death. Instead, he found the manic merc straddling a metal garbage bin slowly sliding towards the hungry portal. He explored a verbal catalog of colorful swears as he fired multiple rounds into a heavy lock fastening the container shut. Tony struggled to find even a hint of logic to what he was trying to do until a grim suggestion popped into his head.

"He didn't…"

Tony urgently flipped his HUD to thermal vision while magnifying his view of the dumpster. Nestled deep inside, entombed in what he could only assume was garbage, he discovered a glowing yellow thermogram in a very familiar shape. The second he recognized the shape of the glowing yellow thermogram nestled inside, he swiftly adjusted his jets to barrel himself into the bin. Metal collided with metal with such jarring force, it threw Deadpool off his feet and toppling off the container. The merc scrambled to keep a grip on the lid of the bin while Tony used his adroit rocket boots to slowly push the bin free of the portal's grasp.

"YOU THREW HIM IN A TRASHCAN?" Tony thundered so loud, he swore he could feel his throat tatter a bit.

"Look, it's not like I had a lot of options for hiding places; okay?" Deadpool argued as he worked his way back atop the container lid. "It was either this or the dumpster behind the strip club. We're just lucky we happened to land in the one alley in town with a paper recycle bin."

"He's going to suffocate in there, you idiot!" Tony could feel his fingers twitch as a morbid desire to strangle the life out of Deadpool wafted through his seething mind. If only he didn't have to hold this bin…

"Well yeah, that's why I said we had to finish fighting ASAP; 'member? So hurry up and rip this sardine can open…"

"…so Li can come flying out into a black hole before either of us can grab him?"

Tony watched Wade Wilson's lips press underneath his mask in a rare show of thought. "Oh yeah, huh?"

"How about instead of that, I fly it somewhere where we can open it without having to worry about black holes or super assassins hurting Mr. Li?" said Tony; not even trying to hide the hostility in his voice. Deadpool wasn't worth the effort. "You know, something smart instead of something incredibly stupid."

"Uh…hey…speaking of super assassins; where are they?"

"They're knocked out on the floor."

"No, they're not."

"Of course they're not," Tony sighed.

A glance at the ground vindicated Deadpool and unnerved Tony. Both girls had vanished without a trace. They couldn't have gone very far, and that's what worried him. The portal was brimming with the same anomalous energy as Enero and her companion. Chances were either they'd created it, or they were involved with whoever did. Either way, thinking about it wouldn't do any good. He needed to get Li out of here. Preferably in the next five-to-seven minutes.

"She's behind you!" Friday squawked.

Tony hadn't the chance to process Friday's warning before he felt something seize his leg. A second later, his entire world became a head-rolling blur; only stilling itself to allow Tony to feel the sore spot on his back scream as it dented another wall. The pain and disorientation stunned him for only a moment, but that was long enough to allow Enero an unimpeded advance. Her fist painted a deep purple arc of energy in the air as she bounded towards Tony; poised to deck the Avenger square in the jaw.

That was as far as Enero's assault got before another loud BANG rang through the alleyway. The bullet struck the shoulder attached to her fist, throwing off her momentum while drawing a surprised yelp of pain. Her unclenched fist shot to her bleeding shoulder as she hit the ground; powerless to resist rolling down the length of the alley into the ravenous black hole.

"Got your back, partner," Deadpool said, brandishing his pistol in one hand, and attempting to make a thumb up with his crippled other.

"We're not partners," Tony grumbled as he planted both his hands against the wall to free himself.

"Oh, well in that case…" Deadpool holstered his piece before presenting Tony with an expecting palm. "That'll be five grand." 

Tony watched Deadpool's extortive gesture suddenly devolve into a frantic flail of limbs as the garbage bin began to move underneath him. The merc's battle of balance ended quickly as he slipped and bashed his face on the bin's lid. His mostly regenerated hands clung desperately to ridges in the plastic surface to save himself him from completely falling off the dumpster. The acrobatics happened in Tony's peripheral, as he was more concerned with the moving bin. He could feel his heart rate ramping up as he watched it wheel itself and Martin Li towards the black hole.

"...buuuut if you want to just owe me a favor, I just got an idea how you pay me back real quick."

Finally free of the wall, Tony desperately whipped his arm towards the bin and unleashed another magnetic field. The container was barely several feet away from the raging portal before Tony forced it to a near-immediate stop that almost threw Deadpool off the lid.

"Made it," Tony sighed in relief. Residual adrenaline shook through his arms as he started to pull the bin out of danger. "Now to get out of here before something else goes-"

Tony's head jerked as a familiar silhouette zipped out from the corner of his left eye. Before either he or Deadpool could rest their eyes on Enero's partner, a deafening metallic screech echoed through the alleyway as she deftly scalped the garbage bin with her blades.

"Aw, that don't sound good," Deadpool said just a second before the vacuum of the black hole tore off the top of the bin like a fruit sticker; taking the merc with it.

"CrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapCRAP!" Deadpool cried as he tried to jump from the platform. Though his addled footwork only succeeded in throwing the dumpster lid so off balance that it spun around and squashed him against the alley wall like a bug. A defeated whimper crawled its way out of Deadpool's mangled body while the lid happily flew into the mouth of the black hole.

Tony was oblivious to Wade's trauma. The anxiety rampaging through his veins kept his focus locked on the unconscious body of Martin Li; which hung trapped in a cloud of paper rising from the uncovered dumpster. Tony could practically feel his artificial heart disintegrate as he watched the loose-leaf cascade carry the man's senseless body towards the portal's hungry maw.

"NO, DAMMIT," Tony thundered. Every liter of anxiety in his body turned to adrenaline as he punched the armor's thrusters.

He moved fast, but not fast enough to overtake Enero's partner. Her body billowed with the strange purple energy as she kept pace with Tony along the alley wall. Her arm moved to deliver a fatal slash with her katana, but the attack never connected. With a twitch of his own arm, Tony yanked at his magnetic tether and sent the ruined dumpster barreling into the kidnapper. A surprised yelp escaped the criminal she collided with the bin and spiraled backward in the opposite direction. There wasn't enough time to look to see if she was okay. Not when he had barely a second to save Martin Li's life.

Tony felt his jaw tighten as he watched the philanthropist's ankles sink into the portal. At the speed his legs were disappearing through the void, he was horrified to realize he didn't even have half a second before Martin Li was completely devoured. He felt his own pulse threaten to pop his veins as Li vanished with every inch he advanced. The entire alley practically trembled before the roar of the suit's rockets as he desperately chased after the dwindling stubs of Li's fingers. Before Tony could even brush them, the portal snapped shut around its meal's digits and quickly shrank out of existence.

The Iron Man's balled gauntlet crushed the now-barren alley wall; half out of anger, half desperately hoping that he could shock the portal back into existence. He wasn't at all surprised to find just a print of his fist inside the crater his back had already carved out of the wall. He wasn't happy about it either. Being right just frustrated him further.

"Friday?" He said. "Pull up the readings from that portal. Maybe Strange can sort out-"

Tony swiftly rotated, shot out his arm, caught the sword falling down on his head. Powered by the momentum of his spin, his arm delivered a hard slam that knocked Enero's cohort out of the air and flat on the ground. He didn't wait for her to pick herself up before he aimed his free gauntlet on her and put several targeting reticles on his HUD fixed on her position.

"I didn't even pick her up on my scanners," Said Friday. "How did you know she was there?"

"I didn't," Tony said. "It's just been one of those days."

With the girl's sword clenched in his hand, Tony hovered closer to look her in the eyes.

"So I don't know if you've noticed, but your friend just bailed out on you," Said Tony. "And I'm pretty sure she's not coming back. The way I see it you've got two options: either I cart you off to a prison interrogation room, or you can go ahead and tell me right now where your friend took Martin Li."

The girl didn't look the least bit fazed by Tony's words. She didn't even seem like she acknowledged him at all as she refused to look him in the eye.

"I'm going to find out where Marty is either way, but if you make things easier for me, I'll see what I can do to make things easier for you. If you want to make things harder for me, well...um..."

The girl wasn't trying to avoid eye contact, Tony realized. No, she was looking at something. Something behind him. Was it Deadpool...or-

"Tony, I picked up another spike of radiation," Friday exclaimed. "The portal; It's coming back!"

Everything happened at once. The second Tony turned to head Friday's warning, he felt the sword slip free of his grip as the girl bounded over his shoulders. By the time his head finished turning, she had already escaped into the yawning void. Though even more distressing was the feminine arm sprouting out of the distortion, aiming a familiar-looking megaphone at his head.

Tony's eardrums exploded before he could start thinking of how to react. He lost consciousness seconds before he hit the ground.


	4. Peer Review

Consciousness returned to Tony with the swiftness of melting tar. His brain was slowly waking up to the shrill ring in his ears, but it was slogged in a thick haze of confusion. One by one, thoughts and questions gradually bubbled up through the thick gelatin clogging his head. Why was he lying on an alley floor in an Ironman suit? Why did the insides of his ears feel like they were bleeding lava? And why did he feel like he'd tried to bench press a steamroller?

"What's with this 'I don't know' crap all of a sudden? C'mon you're a smart guy; you can figure it out...Woah WOAH, where the hell did all that come from? It was just a compliment. Not everything is an attack on your goddamn pathetic shriveled-up ego, man! Damn!"

It took some time for Tony to find the strength to lift his agonized head to see what the commotion was about. The moment he saw Deadpool yammering into his phone, back turned towards him, his memory started to clear up. Martin Li, the kidnappers, the chase, the scream in his ears, it all came back to him in an idle trickle. A pounding migraine urged Tony to stay down, but he ignored it long enough to sit up and rise back on his feet.

"Look, I really don't care what it takes. Just grab some WD-40 and get your ass down here. I don't know how long he's going to stay knocked-"

Deadpool's phone nearly fell out of his hand the moment he turned to behold an upright Tony Stark. His eyes almost looked as if they'd popped out of his mask as they met the icy glare of the Ironman.

"...uh, Weasel? I'm gonna have to call you back." Deadpool spoke calmly before ending the call and dropping the phone into one of the many pouches lining his person. "Heeeey Buddy..."

"Where's the girl?"

"The girl-OH, right...her," Said Deadpool. "I'm pretty sure she bounced a few minutes ago.…"

Tony groaned as a transparent 4D model of the surrounding area came up on his HUD. Random portions of the model flashed red as a Stark Industries satellite scanned the entire area for any sign of the perps. The search lasted for an impressive couple of seconds, but it returned with absolutely nothing to show for it; Martin Li and the kidnappers had disappeared without a trace.

"Terrific," Tony said. Needles of anxiety perforated his drowsy brain, stirring into figuring out how he would find Martin Li, and what he could say to Li's estate to convince them not to lawyer up. On top of that, his brain just became conscious enough to remember the stabbing pain in his back.

"You know, I think I figured out why our team up didn't quite work out back there." Said Deadpool.

A long, exasperated exhale escaped Tony as he dismissed the readout on his HUD to glare at Deadpool through his faceplate. "We were not, nor are we currently working together."

"That wasn't exactly what I was thinking, but I like where your head's at," Deadpool said; drawing close enough to pat Tony on the shoulder. "Don't get too far ahead of me though; You're just gonna end up hurting yourself. Which reminds me…"

Deadpool's attention became divided between Tony and his once-maimed hand; where new cancer-ridden fingers had grown in the place of each that'd been sliced off. He inspected each with a few simple flexes, followed by a series of obscene gestures and gang signs.

"The~re we go; looks like little Waddie's favorite dancing partner is gonna be A-OK," With a successful thumbs-up, Deadpool's full attention drifted back to Tony. "So somewhere between all the chasing, the quipping, and the painful limb mutilation, we forgot to the time-honored tradition of beating each other up for ultra contrived circumstances. It's great that we've been on the page so far, but I feel that there are a lot of underlying issues that won't be solved unless we beat each other inches from death before we go after the bad guys. Plus I'm sure it wouldn't hurt to pad out the plot a little- _WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU GOING_?"

Tony's rocket boots had only lifted him several feet skyward before Deadpool took a running leap, and snagged his left leg in his hand. He could hear the merc holler in agony behind him as he experienced firsthand how excruciatingly hot his thrusters could get. Through either unrelenting stubbornness or utter stupidity, Wilson refused to release him from his grasp despite his arms gradually burning away. That wouldn't have been a problem for Tony if it weren't for the fact that his rocket boots had apparently received just enough damage to reduce their maximum weight capacity. That, coupled with the pain Deadpool's screams drove through his wounded ears, forced Tony to abandon his escape to come back down to Earth.

"This goes without saying," Tony said; his voice shaking as his exasperation passed his boiling point. "But you are _completely_ insane!"

"You been talkin' to my therapist?" Deadpool said as he slapped out the twin fires raging on either of his arms. His voice came out hoarse thanks to his screaming; a blessing cruely remedied by the merc's healing factor. "Look, I know you think I messed up everything with Li, and I don't want this Team-Up to fall apart just because we couldn't squash this beef. So I'll let you take the first shot at me."

Arms outstretched and eyes closed, Deadpool willing surrendered all his defenses to Tony as he bared his chest before the Avenger.

"Go ahead pal, anything you want: Shoot your repulsors at my head, blast a Unibeam through my gallbladder, rip off my nipples, whatever pops into your head. Just...stay away from the groin area. For your safety; not mine."

"You honestly believe that letting me beat you up is going to fix everything you did? Said Tony.

"...yes?" Deadpool said; sounding quite unsure of his own answer.

"You've done nothing but get in my way since the beginning. If it wasn't for that idiotic dumpster stunt you pulled, I could've saved Li,"

"I'd argue that I was plenty of help besides that little hiccup, but that'd be using my words. Now's the time to use our fists," Deadpool winked at Tony while pointing to his face. "So c'mon; smack this Bitch up!"

"Are you even listening to what I'm…"

At that moment, a final tickle of memory dropped back into Tony's mind. On its ripples, he recalled something he had given much thought until his building frustration jarred it loose from his recollection.

"Wait…" Tony whispered as his brain started to draw maddening conclusions from the memory. "Before...you called them by their names. Before she told me."

"I called who's mother what?" Was all Deadpool could say before Tony's rocket boots launched the Armored Avenger's elbow into his chest and slammed him into the crater-filled back alley wall.

" **WHERE DID THEY TAKE HIM**?" Tony roared while his elbow dug into Deadpool's chest; keeping him pinned inside the hole he made in the wall earlier.

"...nope, not feeling it," Deadpool coughed. "Try again; but this time, try channeling your inner Christian Bale. Remember, you're trying to intimidate me; not sedu _ **AUGH**_!"

Tony didn't want to enjoy the feeling of his knuckles crunching Deadpool's teeth, so he savored the brief moment of silence he bought with his fist before his own rage returned.

"Does it look like I'm playing around, Wilson?" Said Tony. "How do you know those girls? They hired you to distract me, didn't they?"

Deadpool spat inside his mask, and several blooded teeth fell out the collar of his suit. "Wait...you think that I-ohhhh; I get it," Deadpool chuckled "This is awesome! The ol' comical misunderstanding bit; classic Team-Up material. See? Senseless violence is already bringing us closer together."

Tony's anger had become so extreme, it puppeteered his own movements and he seized Deadpool by the throat, turned around and threw him on the ground. He followed with a repulsor shot from both his gauntlets, but Wilson flipped himself clear of both blasts.

"My turn! My turn!" Deadpool sang, drawing and unloading his pistols on Tony. The assault lasted only a split second before a bullet ricocheted off Tony's armor, and bored into its sender's chest. "OW! That...was my breathing lung!"

Tony refused Wilson any quarter as he marched up to the writhing degenerate, seized him by his collar and brought his face close to his.

"Answers. NOW," Said Tony. "Who were those girls?"

"Alright, alright! Jeez, mellow out," Said Deadpool. "They're from Street Fighter."

"Who's 'Street Fighter'?"

"What? No!" Deadpool said; shaking his head."You know...Street Fighter...the Capcom game by Capcom? The most successful fighting game franchise for over several decades? One of the biggest names at EVO for years? How the hell do you not know any of this already? I thought you were supposed to be a nerd."

"A game?" Tony's anger was thrown for a loop before Deadpool's ravings. A light flow of chuckles bubbled up Tony's throat as he grasped the meaning behind the madman's words. "Right...right; a game..."

The bottom part of Deadpool's mask tore open as Tony clocked him in the face. He didn't deny himself relishing the feeling of fracturing the other side of the mercenary's jaw this time, but it did little to sate the rage foaming inside him.

"This isn't a damn video game, Wilson! Li's life is in danger! Don't you-" Tony shook his head as he swallowed some saliva down his drying throat. "Why the hell am I wasting time trying to explain this? This all a joke to you, isn't it? Everything's a joke. Who cares if a man gets stolen away from his family to be tortured, right? Who cares? It's all fine and dandy as long as you manage to get in some hilarious biting metacommentary about superhero teamwork!"

Tony spilled Deadpool on the ground like a maggot-infested corpse. The Iron Man's anger flared as he practically saw a wisecrack swelling inside the merc's diseased mouth while he picked himself off the alley floor. He could only manage a single syllable before Stark drowned him out with his suit's loudspeaker.

"Everyday, there are people putting their lives at risk; putting everything on the line to make sure the world doesn't fall into chaos. And then here you are: a clown getting in their way - getting in my way - and screwing everything up. Just for a laugh. All because you want a distraction from your own goddamn miserable life. And yeah, I make jokes too; but at least I never lose focus on what's at stake if I don't do my job."

As Tony's anger started to recede, he was instantly reminded how exhausted he was. His back. his throat, his head, his ears, all reverberating with pain. He needed to get out of here and into a hot bath before the party started.

"Do yourself a favor," Tony said and he turned to leave the alley. "Stop trying pretending to be a hero. You're no good at it."

"You're right,"

"I'm right?" Tony couldn't help but look back over his shoulder at Deadpool. "Oh wow; Deadpool said I'm right. What kind of hilarious gag could he possibly be setting me up for? Come on, funny man; let's hear it. Let's hear what-"

"Can you stop shitting on me for two seconds so I can apologize?" Deadpool barked. Tony couldn't help but be a bit surprised at Wilson's sullen outburst. "You're right; a screw-up like me doesn't have any business being a hero."

Tony didn't like that he couldn't think of a response. He didn't feel right being confronted by such an astute Deadpool either.

"I don't know what I was thinking. Could you imagine what would happen if a guy like me became a superhero? I mean, maybe I would clean my act up a bit; like in one of those cheesy Oprah success stories. . But it'd only be a matter of time before I degenerated into a disgusting drunken wreck and peed on everything I ever worked for and everyone I ever cared about."

Tony felt an uncomfortable resonance in Deadpool's words. He thought it was fortunate that his armor's cover refused to betray the slight look of empathy growing on his face.

"Of course, that's probably not even the worst thing I'd probably end up doing," Deadpool continued. "Somewhere down the line, I'd probably do something completely unforgivable like...uh, let's see...just something off the top of my head: maybe being a driving force in some sort of superhero Civil War where I hire a bunch of supervillains to imprison all my friends in some prison inside a nightmare dimension, kill my _**best**_ friend, and not only pave the way for some manner of alien Secret Invasion, but allow an absolute psychopath like - let's just pluck a completely random name swimmin' around in my brain - Norman Osborne to swoop in and take control of S.H.I.E.L.D.. But it'd all be okay because I made sure to whip up a copy of my brain just in case I needed a convenient excuse to avoid facing any sort of consequence. Wouldn't that be a funny joke to pull on all my pals?"

Deadpool's yellow eyes shot a caustic glare directly into Tony's own. "Yep; it sure is great that there isn't a guy like me running around pretending to be a superhero,"

Tony and Deadpool shared a cold stare for what seemed like ages. Their sour gaze remained unbroken as a whirling mass of emotions spun around in the Avenger's head; not a single one positive. Eventually, Tony finally decided it was time to reactivate his suit's thrusters and leave.

"Friday; do me a favor and create a new preemptive defense protocol for all Iron Man suits," Tony said as he ascended into the air; keeping his repulsors primed in case Deadpool tried to grab him again. "If Wade Wilson ever shows his face around me again, light him up."

"Yes sir," Said Friday

"Oh; and P.S.," Deadpool called up from below. "I farted in your face when you were passed out! Your lungs are crawling with my shit particles now, Stark! You hear me? _**SHIT PARTICLES!**_ "

Now disgust joined the riot of emotions plaguing Tony's weary mind. He knew that the suit's air filter should've protected his nose from... _that_ , but he couldn't help but sense something particularly foul about the air he was breathing. Then, of course, there was the fact that some of the suit's functions were damaged in the fight with Enero…

"Friday, distract me with something; _quick_!" Tony said anxiously.

"You are now 39 minutes late to pick up your suit from Vermillion Dry Cleaning," Friday reported. "The store is now closed, but they will still deliver the suit for the agreed 75% premium. Do you accept?"

Tony choked his scream down to a very loud groan. "Thank you, Friday," He said; sounding thoroughly defeated. "Yeah; I'll accept the charges."


End file.
